maoftw

First day at Jurong Camp 1, Transport Hub West and immediately, I received my new posting there in a super bo liao manner. 3 of us transport supervisors went there to report. S1 asked about our schooling background and immediately, assigned me to S3 branch simply because I am from Hwa Chong and also my A level results. WTH?! So random... So elitist lorh... EEKS! Made me seperated from my other dear peers who got posted out to PLC node!!! So now, I am all alone. But fortunately, I think the new colleagues in the Ops Office look pretty nice people, unlike those UNIQUE MUTATED RETARDS at STC.

Hmmm... Well... But somehow, I do miss the 6 and 1/2 months at STC, miss the slacking and especially miss my course mates. I missed how we slack day after day, how we complained and criticised those stupid retards at STC everyday, how we teased and made fun of each other. The happiest and worst incidents that happened in 2009 all happened while I was in STC.

Thank you TPT SUP 02/09.

back in london!

things got better the day after my post with the z's because it was personal private time (ppt, yes, tautology, no, i didn't name it) day so i went to belvedere palace to see the klimts and shieles and palace grounds. the exhibition itself was a little underwhelming for a place that boasted the largest collection of the artists' works, but i loved being on my own and not being rushed to take pictures of the place. that was really nice.

in the evening we had a viennese dinner and then a concert. i'm not one for classical music, but from what i heard it was pretty impressive. i liked it. the ballet duo was also pretty polished and the girl was such a babydoll, i liked that they used their facial expressions and dance to create narratives because it was entertaining enough to keep me from falling asleep. yes, mish is a philistine when it comes to classical music but when she can stay awake she likes it.

the next day i went shopping in the streets near the museumsquartier, in search of homegrown austrian labels and designers. to my disappointment most stores were closed -i later learnt that the viennese celebrate new year's until the 6th so most people were on holiday- so all i could do was peek into windows while standing in the cold grey outside, but there were a few gems. i particularly loved this little shop full of cloth and ribbons and buttons... in very cute, folksy patterns. i bought some ribbons and buttons, and am looking quite forward to making another toy when i get back to ny and my sewing kit... which i made mom pack and geraldine bring over from singapore haha. it's been a while!

and my last stop was this place set up by two young austrian women, a business and graphic designer duo, who took their inspiration from toys and monsters, those that people who have too much money and space collect to display on their shelves. (i mean, they're really cute lah but what to do with them?) anyway, i love that place! bought a 75euro sweater and a bunch of random shit, just because. couldn't afford anything more but i love what i bought! the person manning the store happened to be one half of the duo and she was really nice and friendly, and she invited me to email her anytime. that was a nice touch. i guess in that long time i took browsing everything in that store (and telling her how i thought they were awesome) we struck up a small friendship.

then i rushed back to the hotel and made it in time because i hate being a liability and late and needing to borrow stuff from people etc because it makes me pissy. so yep vienna got better and now i am back in london after the journey from hell. basically, plane landed in bristol because gatwick was closed due to snow, we paid 200 pounds for a cab to london, driver refused to drive us to doorstep without further payment so we got off elsewhere to rain/slush (and even then we paid extra 20pounds for him to release luggage, that dishonest bastard) and spent an hour trekking in the rain and before reaching suhui's apartment. i brought my duffel bag instead of my luggage with the wheels so i was dragging that heavy piece of shit the whole time. and somewhere along the way i got the flu so that episode made it worse...

oh well! what a journey. okay i guess i better sleep now if i don't want to spend more money buying tissue :|

I am chaotic ...

I want to jump into the ocean because I can't swim

I like you because you are eternal and perfect

the uncertainty is rising in waves and choking me again

I want to run away or I want to make it work

I only want to forget him .... and smoke my breaths away

This is not life. I do not want to live life

These sentences are so tenuously strung together

I am just very sad and my heart is heavy.

She has such a big heart.. and i love how we are, a feeling i just can't describe.

so it's been ridiculously long since i last posted anything of substance, anything that says i'm alive (and at this point i give up moving mz fingers to the strange place that 'y' is at because this viennese computer is intent on reading mz 'y' as a 'z', it's not that i don't love zou enough but i am tired and so allowed to do so).

i've alive though rather hungrz and this holidaz doesn't seem to be verz relaxing, plagued a little bz mz inner demons, i guess. all these little insecurities. but it's been good for most part, nice dinners with mz neighbour when everzone else on the floor was home for winter, geraldine coming to visit, bringing what little sense of home to the dorm, and opening mz ezes in new cities. visited the leopold museum todaz, finallz face to face with edvard munch's works after so manz zears of re-enacting the scream and seeing it on threadless shirts and the internet, but never in person. well, i guess i still haven't seen it in person because thez onlz had the lithograph of it, but it's good enough for now because the visit led me unexpectedlz to a rather large collection of surrealist/surrealist-influenced works, the kind of fantastical pictures i have loved since i was thirteen, and then some. i took some pictures and some names, and hopefullz i'll remember to return to them somedaz, and find fuel for art. also got to know exactlz what mz classmates/teacher meant bz egon shiele, and am glad for it because he is prettz awesome. i'm surprised, and this tells me i should reallz be putting in more effort towards learning about art but i guess sometimes i reallz can't give a shit. also everztime i go to a museum or gallerz i am pleasantlz surprised to find that i actuallz enjoz the experience - zet it alwazs takes so much effort to drag mzself to the next one. i guess i'm still coming to terms with the fact that one daz i will be an artist, or an art teacher, or both.

what i reallz want is to own a castle.

we went to the schönbrunn palace zesterdaz. it wasn't reallz a castle. in fact, it was a rather understated building from the outside. the rooms were something altogether though. all of vienna is peppered with statues and random architectural fluorishes that i just love. i am taking notes for mz own castle construction. this has to happen. so anzwaz i was eating a muffin and i lost mz train of thought. let me trz to get back on track because i know that if i don't trz to dispel this i will continue mz next nine dazs of touring in vague unease, and there is no worse feeling than this vague unease.

so i spent the last minutes of the old zear getting lost in london, and welcomed the new zear fearing for mz life (i am not joking) because i was getting squashed amongst the crowds near waterloo bridge. i was trzing to hail a cab to get to elephant and castle in time to see the fireworks, because suhui was at a friend's house partz there. needless to saz, it is impossible to flag a cab when the streets are closed and everzone has a bottle or wine glass in their hand, and walking in the opposite direction from zou. the funnz part is that when the countdown ended there was nothing in the skz, and onlz a vague murmur in the air - nothing explosive, or loud, nothing bright and shinz to saz, "come on, new zear, give me zour best shot". i was there in mz red coat and just a short, short dress, newlz procured from the camden lock market hours earlier, and a (reallz heavz) duffel bag in mz hand. oh, and mz camera in mz handbag and a bottle of smirnoff that i was supposed to bring to the partz. basicallz, not in verz good shape to survive a horde of drunk londoners on new zear's eve. there was a lot of pushing and some fainting and an ambulance... then i decided that i have had enough of this nonsense. what do i do? i fork out ten pounds to hire a rickshaw to drive me through these hordes to somewhere where i can continue mz journez at decent pace and at minimal cost to mz alreadz fragile state of mind.

(zes, i know it is hard to take mz melancholic ramblings seriouslz when all these stupid 'z's are interfering, but trz, okaz?)

what i am trzing to saz is that i miss all mz fucking friends, zou people who know me as i am and take me as i am. what the fuck does the new zear mean anzwaz, when there is nobodz i love to spend it with? i have never been one for festivals, or rituals, but i guess it would still have been nice to do things properlz and talk to people i actuallz know. not know, zou're-mz-friend-on-facebook know, but know like i've-seen-zou-fucked-up-and-i-still-love-zou know. how did this never occur to me when i decided not to come home for the holidazs? well it's done now and zou and i are half a world apart and we're not even talking. it's mz fault i guess, i should skzpe more or write more or call or something. sometimes it's a little too hard to cope with wanting to do everzthing. i hate that i'm not superhuman.

know what else i hate? i hate not knowing where i am with people. are we just reallz good friends, or is this a potential for something more that i should be taking a shot at? mazbe i'm one of those people who will never be happz, and anguish no matter what situation i am in. on a side note, it is awesome to have such a good friend i can't believe it's onlz been three months. there, mazbe i have some hope at not being a persistent emo...

alright, it's too late. time to sleep otherwise tomorrow will be rather crappz.

albeit a bit late but happy new year everyone(: 2009 was a different year; i taught at a school messed with kids made new friends did crazy stuffs survived one sem in uni and had my usual fair share of unfortunate events too. just hope 2010 will go right for everyone and make us all happy people. (:




i think this is kinda cool right HAHAHA.

but i'm depressed.

what?

Hi 2009. Here's a recap of the resolutions you had:

1. I must quit chatting on MSN.
2. I must come home early and get started on work earlier.
3. I must not hesitate or procrastinate.
4. I will make good of my promises.
5. I must focus.
6. I must stay true to my goals and targets.
7. I must prioritise appropriately.
8. I will always be in control and know what I have to do at any point in time.
9. I must not focus on my feelings or stress and let it distract me from solving the issue at hand.
10. I must not take the easy way out.
11. I must win.

christmas eve with pri sch friends ive known for the longest time, christmas with nice new people baking more cookies and church service, movies dinners stayovers in between, exploring and lots of stairs last night, and tonight my sane sisters got tons of people to wreck the house so havoc till the last hours of 2009 (:

( to the last hours )

I'm terribly bored of life right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to do something productive. Work or something so I will forget how aimless I really am. Everyone else has something or someone to do but me! When I'm with people I can sense that they will be better off doing the thing they want to or being with the people they really want to be. They're with me because I've imposed myself upon them or because they have nothing better to do.

I feel bored of doing the things I've been doing and detached from the places I've been, and trust me I've been to many places the past week that I come home after 12 everyday. But I feel like I don't belong! Spent today at home and feel even worse! Even the temperature is not right. The usual position I'm in when I use my laptop is not right. Everything feels uncomfortable!

The only movie which I've watched in a while which is avatar was entertaining at best. I really don't know if it's just me because everyone else seems to love it..

And I am in need of money right now. I need to be more financially independent to take some burden off my family. But I really do not know what I can offer/do. Even signing up as a tutor is depressing because there's not a subject which I can teach...

I hate working with alpha-male chauvinists. I hate them so much because they make me feel like the passive aggressive woman that I am vainly trying not to be. I hate being brushed against in a claustrophobic office space and my fat feminist ego is not taking this well. Inside my mind I am under duress and I keep thinking I will kill your fucking dog for fun, so don't push me! I will burn the hair off your hand with a ciggie and it ain't no biggie

I will never love you! What is it about men

I keep making these utterances, these wishes to go out and run away and backpack to Cambodia and bungee jump what do you not understand I am a bird a song a wind a flower! Go away and let me blow, you make me feel so low

maybe i'm just really tired, but i'm feeling extremely crummy right now. going to try and sleep it off. ):

here are some pithy one liners

the impermanence of desire, chance, matter
Baldrick advised me on a cunning plan
it must be the candy and the james, yeah I miss you too but here's to forgetting our names
well boys you make good friends till you want to get in my pants
when we're drunk and don't mean a thunk
tell me about the guns on the other side of this street ... tell me about the things that can't penetrate your skin
you're kidding if you think I'm yielding (just because you're alpha and male)
dreaming with my head on fire and nose-high in water